The wrong kind of friendship

Today’s blog is a bit different to my other lame writtings. I mean it’s still lame but it’s expressing my disappointment,  sadness and relief in the loss of a friendship.
To begin with we were really good friends, almost like sisters. Did everything together. We meet in year 9 and I thought our bond was incredibly strong…. Well stronger then with my other friendships. She was here until the end of year 10 and then she moved away. We had minimal contact with each other due to me being at school and her not being here. I thought it was going great as she seemed to be there whenever I needed her. I think at the start she was.
At the start of year 11 she mentioned she was finding it difficult to stay where she was as she felt like a burden. I offered for her to live here temporarily until she found her feet. When she arrived with her stuff, I thought it was the best thing to happen. I thought ‘yay I live with my best friend. I was happy.
Year 12 came and over the time she had been with us, I started to feel as if she held some resentment toward me. She started trying to tell me what to do and how I should act and then when she realized I wasn’t bending, she would tell me something in her life that was hard and difficult and that she couldn’t over come it. It was my nature to listen, to try stop the crying and to try lift her spirits. I was there for her. I did what made her happy as I hated seeing her like that. By the end of year 12 however, I became stressed and I didn’t wanted to do much with her as I was madly studying. She never went back to school as she started working instead.
Tension quickly arose in the house as she stopped doing her chores and I would have to do them after my study before dad could say anything to her. That often made me go to bed at really late times and wake up feeling tired. Everytime I would say something to her, I either got my head snapped off or she would somehow make me feel like it was my fault.
That was like that alot. Whenever she was sad or angry…. Which was almost everyday…. I would ask her what was wrong or try to be there for her and she would just shut me out. End of year 12 came and I had started to distance, though very little as we were living in the same house, from her. I felt like no matter what I did she was never happy and never wantee me around. She would tell me to go away and everytime I would try to comfort her, she would get up and walk away from me. Later she would then come to me and tell me that I wasn’t trying hard enough to comfort her. So eventually, I just stopped trying because I didn’t feel like being abused or insulted whenever I tried to help and she would just snap my head off or walk away.
After school I was even more stressed as I didn’t have the score to get into UNI. I thought that I wouldn’t be able to do what I wanted, what I was passionate about because I wasn’t going to UNI. When she found out that I was upset she said that it was nothing compared to what she was going through. I didn’t care. To me it was real and it scared me. I didn’t care if she didn’t understand that I had a massive fear of not being able to do what I loved, she would just compare it to something in her life. So after that I never said anything to her.
I started TAFE last year. I was just glad my year advisor spoke words of wisdom to me otherwise I would never have thought about doing what I loved at TAFE. When she found out that I was going to TAFE to study Early Childhood Education,  she became even more cold towards me to the point where my other friends started to notice. Whenever they told me something like ‘you should stop being friends with her’ I would always make excuses for the way she behaved saying it wasn’t her fault. Though, in my heart I knew they were right. It was taking an emotional toll on me and I never realized until that point.
Towards the middle of the year, she turned 18 and though I am older then her, she continued to make me feel like her misfortunes were my fault. She started going out every night getting drunk and bring home people that myself nor dad knew. I was awkward on some nights when I woke up for a glass of water and there would already be a guy in the kitchen. I knew deep down that I shouldn’t be the one feeling awkward in my own house. When I meet Ben and started hanging around him, I couldn’t help but feel that she was throwing jealousy daggers my way.
Pretty soon, she kept talking about moving. I only encouraged her to do what was in her heart. She meet up with one of my other friends I had meet at TAFE and together they planned to move in together. Again, I only encouraged them. I felt it would be good for her to spread her wings and for me to finally have days were I didn’t constantly feel like I was the blame for someone else’s misfortunes.
When she told dad she was moving she didn’t say when or how long she would need to stay until she got a place. So dad took it as her two week notice. She didn’t like that so she avoided the house like a plague. At the end of the two weeks she did a speedy job at getting all her things and Then she left without another word. She eventually told everyone that we kicked her out when in reality we didn’t we did what a real estae agent told dad. He said if you have someone living with you and they tell you they are moving but they don’t say when they are, then you take that as a two week notice. So we did.
It wasn’t until the end of last year that she would ask to hang out and when I would say yes, she would never get back in contact until she wanted to know if I could give her a lift. It went like that for a few more weeks and then I heard nothing from her. Today I heard from her. However after everything, I just didn’t want to see her. I feel like I’m not ready to have her back in my life again. So I told her I didn’t feel like doing anything and she just hung up.
To be honest, I’m sad and disappointed in how things worked out but in a way relived that she is no longer a part of my life….. I mean one day she might be again but for now I’m just not ready.
Anyway, until the next post xx

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